You

It's hard to believe that i'll be with you. And thanks to you that my life now is more meaningful. No more feeling down and gloomy, all my attention is now focused on you. There is no room for lonely-ness since i have you by my side. But at the same time, the mere thought of losing you terrify me. I want to share my all with you. I want you to be with me forever. I want to stay by your side. I want you to be my first and my last. And I'm dead serious about this.

I'm here そばにいるから
call me 僕がいるから
trust me もう何もおそれないで
my dear 見えない糸で
trust me 繋がっているから
ただ感じていて このぬくもり

Regret

I believe everyone has experienced a time where they lost their beloved one. I also has experienced this before. I lost all of my grandparents 1 by 1 from the age of 2 to the age of 14. During their funeral, i  never dropped one bit of tears. Maybe because i was still young back then............ or i don't even know what is it to lose someone precious, or is it that i'm just lack of sympathy?

However, when i loss someone who is precious to me when i was in form5......... i cried. it is the 1st time that i have ever cried in a funeral. I still remember it was in April...... in a church. That time when we are mourning or having a mass or whatever it is ( it is when we have to sing), my heart, my chest becomes suffocating, my tears flow out automatically as if the running tap is turned on.

Then finally i understood how it is to feel like when someone special and precious to you leaves the world. You can no longer see him/her, cant hear their voices. And you lost 1 more person to care for....... and who care for you. And on that day, i started to regret, why i didn't accompany her more often, why i didn't talk to her more.........and whenever i think about this, my tear just flow out. ( when im writing this also).

I realized why i didn't cry during the previous funeral. It is because of my pride that has been holding me from crying. I admit that i like to act tough, this is why i don't cry in front of people or to show my weakness to the people around and i refuse to share my feelings to people......i don't wanna show people how weak i'm, i prefer to hide my feelings deep inside of me....... as a habit, when things doesn't go my way, i just act indifferent, i act that i don't care.

I'm not good at showing care to people, im not good at how to treat people kindly....... to be frank, i don't even know how. I don't know how should i express my care to everyone. T_T

On the other hand, the most important thing that i have learned is that........... try your best to appreciate, accompany and care for the one that is important to you. Don't regret it only when you loss something in your life. And i suppose Life is full of regret and human should live through it and learn a lesson from the regret that you yourself have made.

Driving lesson

My first EXTRA driving lesson: Drive and bang a dog.

It all happened after having supper with the gang after celebrating Alyssa's birthday. When i drove along jalan merdeka........... suddenly 2 doggie appeared to be chasing each other, playing happily and they rushed towards my car.

AND ......................

BANG.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the initial collision, we felt a 'bump' under the car. And the dog let out a painful cry. In that very moment....... .... there was an intense feel of guilt in my heart, and with sadness mixing into it.

The truth is, i didn't notice the dogs coming as i was paying attention to my friends talking. By the time i noticed the dogs rushing out, it was all too late. My reflexes are just not fast enough for me to step on the brake paddle in time.

After banging into one of the dog, i did not stop my car. I just simply continue my journey and observe what was going on behind. What i saw is that the dog was lying on the ground....... and it's friend was attending to it.

This is the 1st time that i have ever bang into a living thing. Felt extremely guilty and sad........what can i do? beside praying that the dog can attain ''happiness'' by leaving this cruel world. It would be better for the doggie to die rather than have the doggie handicapped.

After banging the dog, the consequences is that my car had been damaged as well. There's a weird sound coming out whenever the front passenger seat door is moved.

The lesson of the story is...... next time i have to drive even slowly with extra caution :(

Promise

Im not a good oath-keeper. But i always try to keep promise (from girls only). Last time i was dubbed as FFK king when i was in secondary. And now, i will try my best to fulfill the promise that i've made.

We made a promise. So im going to keep my promise to you, we are going to the prom night together. But......... if you can find a better partner, then you can forget about me. I'm happy enough just to hear that you can go with me. If you can't be my partner, i don't mind.... as long as we can go together..... as long as i'm not alone, that's all.

About breaking promises........ i will try to accept it.

Lastly, i have a poor memory..... so i'll remind myself for that day.

April the 3rd

This will be a memorable day....... not because of what i did on that day, or hanging out with who, but the feelings that i've felt on this particular day.

It happened that some of my gemini friends are facing the same problem with me, EMO. It's more than a coincidence that we emo on the same day, but in different places.

It is nice to find people to emo together..... kaic let me tell you, don't ever emo alone.

April Fool

The revelation that i get from April Fool is that i have such a small group of friends, especially the opposite sex. The things is that when i wanna send some prank messages, i just cant find anybody in my contact list. This leaves my heart cracked as to realize that i don't have much friends. The number of pranks that i received is dropping sharply compare to when i was in secondary. Could this be that people are getting mature by the age of 20? or is my existence becomes elusive?

I'm getting lazy to make friends. It's hard now. I'm not as outgoing as before. But without making any new friends, where the hell would i get to befriends with more girls? My friend just said, the good thing about being single is that you can flirt with how many gals you want. And you can scoop for any girls you like. But bro, i don't have that fucking leisure and time to do that, assignment not done, exam is coming, violin need to be practiced and i missed my aikido members. And for me, flirting drains me off my energy. Being single is good and being attached is good, whatever it is, i would choose the latter.

Anyway, April Fool passed by very fast. Nothing special and nothing fun. I guessed its better for me to stay quiet and low for these few days, as i do enjoy being alone sometimes.

Single/Valentine

Single

After being single for so many years...... now i have seriously yearn for a partner whom i can share my time with. And now, i'm really worry about my future, worrying if i'll be single for the rest of my life.
Up until now, i'm still bothered by this question........ but i know it's hard to find someone whom you really likes and who also likes you in the same way..... a mutual feeling. I believe that if people are destined to be together, they will eventually find each other even they are separated by seas or skies. However, i'm not patient enough to wait till that day.............. instead, i wish i could be like everyone else who are using trial and error to search for the right one.
But the main problem is that, i don't have the courage to be rejected..... like what jason tong said: '' It's the fear of rejection, so we are still single........'' and I strongly agree on this........  in the end, im just a passive coward, ain't i ?  or maybe i need some guidance at this one?



Valentine

Valentine day is the day when you show your love to your sweetheart or to confess your feelings to your crush..... however you can also show your care to your precious friends on this day.

So, if you think you are single and you are the only one who's celebrating valentine alone...... think again.
Because you still have your friends.............. if valentine day hurt you that much, why don't we celebrate our single-valentine together? With all your friends out there.
Nobody said that valentine day is meant for couple........ we, the unattached, can celebrate as well.
So, no worries if you are gonna left alone on that day..... ....... remember your friends and they will be there for you.   

Treasure it, because friends in itself are very important in everyone's life......

Tantrum

I believe i'm like any normal human beings out there who had experienced an emotional outburst before.
Actually i don't quite remember when was the last time i threw tantrum, but these days, my EQ was really unstable. And recently i have been perceiving things in a more sensitive ways, thus resulting in some unhappy turn of event and also the uprising of my emo self.

But usually i was able to do things calmly...... however, things changed lately. It seems that something is lacking in my life and i dunno what it is.... I can't feel any happiness now, even if i smiled. Even the aikido which is so precious to me, only cheered me up for a little.....

I think this is it.... i have revert back to my old self..... who only befriends with loneliness.

Haizzz.....i don't really want to ruin my friends' mood and also my mood towards Chinese new year  =.= 

I guess i'll just need some time alone to return to my normal self just like what it is used to be like last time......... i don't really know how much time i may need but i hope i can return to normal before CNY so as to not destroy the harmonious relationship with my family and my friends....... :(

Thanks for cheering me up, even for a little bit...............................i appreciate it, my friends.....

Kind-ness\less

What would you get for helping your friend?

If your friend does not ask for your help, and you volunteer your help........... what would you get in return?    
1) you are awarded with a thanks even if you don't really even help out.
2) you get nothing...... in a sense that people take your kindness as granted.
3) people don't appreciate your help and give you a scolding of being busybody.

In this world, sometimes it doesn't pay to be kind. Some people might even use this trait to their advantage.
So i would recommend people to show your kindness to the right people at the right time. Help those who are really in need and those who will appreciate your kindness.
In another case, help those whom you loved and those you care so deeply regardless of what you will get from them.

For me, i choose to be one hell of a ''kind-less'' people. I'll choose to be a passive helper. You want my help, you just ask and i'll help in anyway i can. But if you don't then i'll show my care for your progress on solving your problem.

However,sometimes it hurts for not being able to lend a helping hands to those i cared and those who are in need desperately as i feel that i'm in no place to help and am powerless to help T.T
And my heart will ache whenever i saw people struggling with their problems of life, thinking of helping them but my urges of helping them would be suppressed sub-conciously.
Sorry for not being helpful but one day i'll............

Absolute

Absolute..... is there anything such as 'absolute' out there?  For me, there's nothing such as absolute.
Absolute only appear in theories and logic as a hypothetical answer. 1+1=2 in maths the answer for the question will absolutely be 2. However if mass is considered 1+1 will not be 2.  Many things in this world appears the same but ultimately different internally and also externally. And it is up to people to judge the differences.

Not to sway away from the topic....... absolute does not exists in this world as many things happen outside the manipulation and calculations of human beings. With this in mind we can know the reason why chances, probability, variable and uncertainties exist in maths formula. For example, 99% hit rate does'nt mean u can get it with 2 attempts and 100% does'nt mean 1 hit KO either.

For all humans, there is no guarantee in this world, there is only warranty. Rather then focusing on 1 possibility, people should prepare for any possible happenings regardless of how small the possibilities are.......... and who knows someday this method might somehow save your ass.

P.S: While facing uncertainties, luck will be your greatest weapon and asset of all.